The Best of the Pest

Mince = Ambrosia

2006-05-11T11:13:00.000Z

I just wanted you to all know how much I love Mince for verily 'tis the most versatile of all meats.

You can make: hamburgers (American/German), moussaka (Egyptian), Bolognaise (Italian), chilli (Mexican), won ton with beef filling (Chinese), Keema Curry (Indian), Moroccan Meatballs, Cottabulla (Jamaican), Carbanada (Argentinian), Kofta (Greek).

Minced meat is the bloody red glue that pieces sovereign shards into a beautiful international vase.

It's also a meat of mystery, as I chew through one of the above I often think "hmmm, I wonder if this is scrotal sack or stomach lining".

Oh I love minced meat almost as much as I love my empty bank account which means I've been surviving on the same bag of mince at the top of this post for the last two weeks. Fucking humanities degree.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

2006-04-12T15:53:00.000Z

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

Beer vs. God

2006-03-23T17:07:00.000Z

"Alcohol doesn't console, it doesn't fill up anyone's psychological gaps, all it replaces is the lack of God. It doesn't comfort man. On the contrary, it encourages him in his folly, it transports him to the supreme regions where he is master of his own destiny." - Marguerite Duras

I believe Mz Duras here to be bang on - yes it does. A recent poll of Scottish school pupils who were Not Religious drank twice as much, and took twice as many drugs, as those who were Religious.

But is this the downgrading of your soul's worth that she seems to imply? Alcohol is a path to religious ecstasy much the same as praying is. It provides everything on earth that religion can and in some ways I believe Alcohol is indeed better then Religion; it is the flexible religion - the religion for the modern man that refuses to be confined to a single day and makes every bar, house and park bench your personal House of God.

Well obviously there are negative impacts of alcohol worship – but when examined closely so does religion:

Physical and mental damage: I've never heard of God destroying someone's liver and turning their skin yellow but he did cover one man in boils so I guess alcohol and God are both pretty good at smiting.

Like alcohol, religion leaves its sufferer in a state of dazed confusion - often with wide bleary eyes and strange grin on their faces.

Addiction: Alcohol worship will often leave the believer hopelessly addicted and out of pocket. Because they believe it makes them look ‘good’, ‘Alcoholists will gather together the very last scrapes of change from their pocket for another pint. They will even sacrifice their own health; I have often observed believers ‘Mine-sweeping’ (watching to see if a Complete Stranger’s drink is left alone and then ‘sweeping’ in to drink the remnants giving no thought to herpes or Aids.)

Religion will often leave the believer hopelessly addicted and out of pocket. Because they believe it makes them look ‘good’, ‘Religionists’ will gather together the very last scrapes of change from their pocket for another church. They will even sacrifice their own health; I have often observed believers ‘Hand-shaking’ (watching to see if a Complete Stranger’s hand is left alone and then sweeping in to shake it giving no thought to herpes or Aids.)

Attitudes: It is well documented that alcohol turns you into a bit of a dickhead. Personally I either start groping the opposite sex, telling everyone I meet I love them or picking fights. The same is true of religion.

Relgionists grope (the hand-shaking thing and certain choir boy incidents I’m far too tasteful to mention), they tell everyone they love them and pick lots of fights.
Religious fights aren’t just flailing your fists at someone you think looked at your bird (even though she isn’t there and the person your fighting is in fact a mop) but mosque bombing and infidel stabbing.

Indeed Religion in a far more effective cause of anti-social behaviour. Lets call War the most extreme form of anti-social behaviour; I don’t think there have been many of them started because one country spilt another country’s pint.

There is no specific group that Alcoholists despise. An alcohol man will not wage Jihad on a cannabis smoker because he doesn’t believe in cannabis. Indeed he will even let the cannabis smoker drink alcohol without accusing him of blasphemy or hypocrisy. The Faiths of Substance Abuse are inter-changeable, fluid and social; working together in pursuit of a corporeal state of Nirvana.

But the pursuit of ecstatic feeling through alcohol is one that can benefit the soul. As Jules Winnfield documents in Pulp Fiction there is a link between clear thinking and alcohol:

"Well yeah. I was just sitting here, eating my muffin, drinking my coffee, when I had what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity". – Jules Winnfield.

Alcohol, as with many other drugs, alters the way in which you think. Many people find they are able to play pool better, write essays better or act in social situations better after having a couple of drinks. Indeed if you’re inclined towards the A class end of the substance of abuse spectrum then I understand the mind performs wonderful things. A drug-taking friend of mine (who can now only drink 3 cups of coffee a day or it will send his brain doolally) once said to me “You’d be amazed at the things you’re mind can do).

Religion does not open you up to the sometimes dangerous limits of your mental abilities. As everone has heard Marx said: “Religion is the opium of people” – it is religion that has the most sedative effect: a drug originally introduced by the state to prevent freedom of thought – to provide the easy answers for the most complex of questions.

Boozehounds and drug abusers act outside the government's remit of control. Drinking above your recommended allowance is in itself a rebellion against being told how to think and behave. The greatest philosophers of our time got smashed on opium and booze and opiates before coming up with the thoughts and art that have created the society in which we live. As Byron wrote:

"Man being reasonable must get drunk; The best of life is but intoxication; Glory, the grape, love, gold - in these are sunk - The hopes of all men and of every nation."

I’m not going to argue that drinking too much alcohol won’t sometimes make you brain-dead – but at least there is the reality of a hangover the next morning. Alcohol and religion may both give the believer delusions of grandeur but at least alcohol has the reality of a “bastard behind the eyes” the next morning.

“It is the unbroken testimony of all history that alcoholic liquors have been used by the strongest, wisest, handsomest, and in every way best races of all times” - George Saintsbury - 20th century historian.

Tosser

2006-03-14T09:02:00.000Z

"MPs have backed government plans to make all passport applicants get an ID card, overturning an earlier defeat in the House of Lords.

Peers have twice defeated the plans, which they say break Labour's election promise that the initial ID scheme would be voluntary.

But Home Secretary Charles Clarke said passports were "voluntary documents" that no-one was forced to renew."

What a tosser. Oh alright, passports are voluntary but unless you want to remain a priosner in your own country you have to have one and an ID card as well.

Self love

2006-03-13T17:24:00.000Z

In another post about myself I've decided to raise for the world to see the issue of whether or not I look like Preston of Ordinary Boys/Chantelle-boning fame. Many say I do - to them I say 'OK'.

So there you go.

Apparently I look like...

2006-03-06T17:56:00.000Z

(That's Andie Macdowell, Bertolt Brecht, David Arquette, Ezer Weizman, Heath Ledger, Humphrey Bogart, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Keanu Reeves and Julio Iglesias according to face recognition software.)

Ra-pissed

2006-02-20T16:48:00.000Z

Another day, another rapist in court. As usual the defendant and complainant had been out drinking in town. It's the same old story: guy meets girl, guy sees girl is hammered, guy reckons his luck is in with girl, girl turns guy down, guy, in attempt to combat the demasculinisation that follows a rejection, decides "fuck her, I'm going to stick it in anyway," and rapes girl.

The infruriating thing is time after time these fuckers get away with it. In today's case there was no semen found inside her - she says she got his penis out in time - though there was some found on her coat. Therefore I doubt they will find any actual proof that he did it - unless they manage to come forward with CCTV footage (unlikely as it happened away from the city centre.) And the truth is there is reasonable doubt that she didn't do it. Why should a court rely solely on her word that she didn't initiate, or at least agree, to have sex with him? Can we be sure she has a clear memory on events? Though I do find it difficult to see why she would lie if she says it happened; it is insane to send a man to prison, sentenced as a rapist, on one woman's testimony.

But there is still an underlying problem - drink and the male libido. I'm sure you're all having a good laugh at the Sexpest writing about this but one thing I can say for myself is I've never drunkenly man-handled strangers. Sexual assaults are committed 100s of times in every club nationwide everyday. Though I'm not saying a sex assault is the same as a rape there is an obvious link between a drunk man forcing his hands on a girls breasts, bottom and vagina when she's making it clear she isn't interested and a drunken man forcing his penis inside a girl's vagina when she's making it clear she doesn't want it.

And I don't think it is just heightened confidence that makes men behave in this way. As an arrogant bastard who would be regularly pissed up when I went on the pull, I always knew when I wasn't getting anywhere and stopped. Do these guys really think that "no" means "yes", or that "no, fuck off, I have a boyfriend, leave me alone or I'll call the police" means "yes". I don't buy it.

I think things are far more sinister. There is still something in the male psyche, a red-blooded vein running from pissed-up rugby boys in the union to Tory-voting fuddy-duddies in court, that believes if a woman dresses provocatively she is asking for "it". Of course the clothes women and men wear in clubs are often designed to attract the opposite sex. But it is something in the male mind, an innate belief in his own dominance of the female species, that means he thinks it is he right to take what he sees - whether grabbing a bit of tit or raping.

2006-02-16T15:03:00.000Z

Want to know the worst thing about hangovers? Being at work trying to learn shorthand with one. I hate Clwb Ifor Bach and I hate drinking games and I hate my bastard mates who got me wasted. urgh

Wanker

2006-02-15T16:07:00.000Z

It's always upsetting to find yourself agreeing with a Tory - but in the faux attempts of the right to appear more socialist (is that national socialism?) and shaft Tony they seem to be coming out with a couple of good phrases.

William Hague's description of Tony Blair's "ineffective authoritarianism" couldn't be more spot on. As with ID cards, Tony has passed through a "glorifying terrorism" bill which does no good at all. Presumably he's hoping people will turn around and say "Oo no Doris, we don't want them glorifying terrorism" and fail to see that the term makes ABSOLUTELY NO DIFFERENCE to the terms of the bill already in place.

But lucky Tony gets to look like he's TOUGH on terror while giving himself even more of a carte blanche to detain whoever he sees fit.

Thank God he didn't hear about Gary's Halloween party or we'd all still be inside without charge.

Wanker.

Lazy Cunt

2006-02-15T15:55:00.000Z

That would be me. But finally I am going to get my arse in gear and start writing a blog and keep it up to date-ish.

Anyway, lets all go to the pub. I'm gasping.